Why we self-sabotage and what to do about it

Have you ever noticed how, just when you start trying to shift into a more positive way of being, things start to go awry? Your mood plummets, distractions pop up, life gets busy, and before long, you find yourself falling back into the same old habits, just like before.

It’s easy to take this as proof that you are ‘not good enough’ — to fall into a painful cycle of overwhelm and criticality, and to start making up damaging stories about what must be wrong with you, because you’re unable to buck up, figure it out, and simply DO the things that will enrich your life in the long run.

Well, here’s the good news: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Hit a brick wall? Dammit, that means you're human

Resistance and self-sabotage are natural human reactions to change. In fact, there are parts of our psyche whose job it is to do everything in their power to distract and pressure you back into the status quo. It’s their job to keep us safe.

The following exploration will help you become more aware and accepting of these resistant parts — what we call the Negative Ego — and give you the skills to start interacting with it in healthier way.

Many thanks to Leza and Jeanine from Lucid Living, and my coach Kathy Loh, whose ideas and concepts formed the basis of this post.

Foundational concepts

To start, let’s explore three foundational concepts about the human psyche and living a joyful life:

As humans, we are multidimensional beings. That is, there are many different parts inside us, each with its own emotions, thoughts, and agendas.
A balanced and fully resourced psyche is one where we are conscious of and compassionate towards each of the parts within us. We do not deny or judge any one part, and instead see them as valid aspects of our ‘inner community,’ each of which has a say in how we live.
Becoming familiar with your parts, and making conscious decisions about how to honour and balance the diversity of voices inside us, is an essential part of living a full, satisfying, and joyful life.

The part that's causing all the trouble

Enter, the Negative Ego!

The term Ego (as I’m using it here) refers to the part of you whose job it is to hold your identity together. It is your idea of who you are.

A healthy and supportive Ego simply acts as a filter through which we process information. E.g. What is happening? How do I feel about it? What are the consequences? What are my choices? How do I want to react?

A healthy Ego can morph into a Negative Ego, however, when it starts to operate from a place of fear.

Particularly in times of stress, or in the face of significant change, our Ego can feel threatened. Its reaction in such situations is to ‘protect’ us by becoming very rigid — it fiercely maintains our current sense of self by working to restrict growth and prevent change.

The tactics used will vary, but a Negative Ego may, for example:

Create and maintain a stress response, leaving us no room to positively engage with change
Use fear and doubt to keep us feeling overwhelmed, confused and stuck
Diffuse our focus so we always become distracted by other concerns
Becoming overly focused on and sensitive to other peoples opinions

If you feel strangely blocked from moving forward in life, it’s likely your Negative Ego has taken the reigns. Once we learn to identify this unconscious protective mechanism, however, we can take steps to dismantle its grip on our life.

Shows a persons legs sitting on the grass with colourful chucks/shoes on

Your Negative Ego might have been a huge part of your sense of Self since youth … and that’s okay.

Exercise 1: Identify the voice of your resistance

The following exercise will help you start to identify some of the language your Negative Ego likes to use. Take out a piece of paper, and complete the following sentences to hear your Negative Ego at work:

The reason why it’s so hard for me to move forward is …
I’m not good enough because …
Before I can make any big changes in my life I need to first …
It’s hard for me to succeed in life because I haven’t …
Things are especially hard for me because …
I’ll be a failure if I don’t …

The easier it is for you to answer these questions, the bigger the grip your Negative Ego has on your life right now.

In addition to the exercise above, you can also review the list of Negative Ego tactics above, and note down on your paper the specific words your Negative Ego uses for each tactic.

Free yourself from the grip of your Negative Ego

Underneath the bluster, your Negative Ego is made up of the parts of your psyche that feel insecure – those parts of you that feel frightened, lost, upset, or unsure about the future and how to keep you safe. We all have these aspects of Self because they are part of our survival instinct. But we don’t want to let them have control, because surviving is not thriving.

So now you’re aware of it, it’s time to consciously prevent your Negative Ego from controlling your choices and your future.

The following four steps will help you do so …

STEP 1: Cultivate a sense of self-compassion for the parts of you that are feeling threatened or unsure

Bringing awareness and kindness to our struggling parts is an essential first step towards escaping the cycle of pressure, stress, and disconnect that keeps the Negative Ego in business.

By making space for your inner experience, you develop a deeper awareness of what is driving your behaviour.

Sometimes the fears or concerns that are holding you back are entirely valid and need to be addressed before you can move forward, or sometimes they are baseless and need to be dismissed. Whatever the case, compassion is a key ingredient that helps us step out of a disconnected self-judgement (why can’t I just move forward? Why do I always do this? I hate being stuck like this!) and into a state that is more supportive of transformative change (oh THAT’s why I always do this! No wonder I’ve been struggling. I see that need to address this first before I move forward … )

But … what exactly does it mean to have self-compassion?

Compassion means being with yourself in the fullest sense. It means becoming deeply aware of all who you are, without using judgement or criticism to hold yourself at arms length. Compassion, according to the wonderful ladies at Lucid Living, is caring born in sadness.

This is such a beautiful description, because it speaks to the sadness we feel when we let down our guard and fully accept who we are and the growth journey we are on.

A common unconscious choice we all make at one point, is to avoid experiencing the inherent Sadness of life by disconnecting into stress, blame, self-pity or frantic movement.

In contrast, compassionate connection means having the courage to step into a sense of Sadness without shying away. It means having the humility to bring love, not only to the beautiful and strong parts of you, but to the ugly, silly, misguided, distracted, and hurting parts of you as well.

More than that, it’s about bringing those parts of you extra amounts of love simply because they are ugly, silly, misguided, distracted, and hurting … and through that, creating within yourself the connection and healing you need and desire.

Cartoon image of a womens face with a tear falling down her cheek

Compassion: caring born in sadness

Exercise 2: Connect with the energy of compassion

OK, so since I usually do this kind of thing face-to-face with clients, I’m very curious how this will work as a written exercise. But let’s give it a go below …

Read the paragraph in italics below. Go slow, and allow yourself to feel deeply whatever comes up as you read. If any critical or judgemental thoughts come up, write them down on the piece of paper you used in Exercise 1 above, and set them aside to come back to this exercise again …

Bring your attention to your Negative Ego – which is made up of the protective/survival mechanisms that hold you back from change – and consider how it has been running your life. Release any judgment, criticism, or shame, and bring compassion to yourself in this moment, knowing that just by raising your awareness of this aspect of yourself, you are already doing enough.

To help you connect with your compassion, let me describe it for you …

Compassion is warmth and caring. It is a loving, healing energy. It is heart-centred, open-eyed, kind, and warm. It brings with it a sense of tenderness, leniency, sensitivity, and depth. It’s rooted in a *softening* of Self, and it can help to use some deep and gentle breaths to facilitate that softening within you: in your mind – your thoughts, your beliefs, your attitudes towards life; in your body – your arms, your legs, your chest, your pelvis, your toes; and in your heart.

Spend some time exploring what it might be like to feel compassion – is it a smile, is it a sense of warmth, is it telling yourself ‘I love you’ or ‘it’s okay,’ or is it something else altogether. Experiment with what compassion might mean to you. Allow yourself to feel the into the depths of it. And even if you can’t right now, let that be okay. Bring compassion to any numbness or disconnect you’re experiencing, knowing whatever you can or cannot manage right now is enough.

Let the rigid and fearful energy of your Negative Ego – your tension and your fear – soften and relax under your curiosity and attention. If possible, let the sides of your mouth curve upwards into a smile.

Let your soft, loving acceptance provide a sense of calm. And on your next out breath, breathe out the tension you’ve been holding. Allow yourself, as you breathe in, to expand with a sense of love — a love that is not there despite your faults, but because of them.

Because you are struggling, you are loved. Because you are stuck, you are loved. Because you are fearful, you are loved. Because you are confused, you are loved.

From this space of loving acceptance, observe the nooks and crannies of your inner world without shying away from any shadows that exist. Whatever is there inside you — notice it. Let this become a practice throughout your day. Connect with your inner Truth, because it is that Truth – your feelings, your thoughts, your unconscious twinges and tweaks – that create your reality. Pay particular attention to the parts of you that feel stressed, and maybe even massage your shoulders, jaw, or temples to help release any pent up energy.

Notice: How often do you sit down like this and lovingly tend to your stressed out parts? And if it’s not often, give yourself time and space to warm up to this new experience. Realise that when you consciously open up to softness and vulnerability, that you are also opening yourself up to the intimacy and acceptance you so desire.

If you feel the need, sit down and write out some of the thoughts that are coming up in your mind – bring all your unconscious worries, concerns, perceived limitations, hopes, and dreams, into the light of day where you can see them.

Whatever comes up, offer yourself compassion. Open up to the Sadness of seeing with clear eyes how disconnected you’ve been from yourself until now. Open up to the truth that because of this disconnect, you are loved. As you uncover new understandings about yourself — your deeper fears, concerns, desires, and motivations – offer yourself attention and acceptance and love. In this time you spend with yourself today, allow yourself to feel a quickening of something new in your soul, and turn towards that sensation with excitement and warmth …

Whatever you were able to feel in this exercise, be happy with it. For example, simply spending time with feelings of numbness or pain is hugely valuable, because being present to such things is a prerequisite for starting to reconnect or heal.

Connecting with a sense of self-compassion may take several tries, or you may need help from a professional such as a therapist or life coach. The main thing is to not give up on compassion, because once you have access to it, it’s a powerful inner resource that you can come back to time and time again, whenever you are struggling the most.

STEP 2: Set very clear boundaries around what you will and will not allow your Negative Ego to say to you

Time now to shift gears.

You’ll notice, once you start paying attention, that your Negative Ego can say some truly terrible things about you: no-one cares about you, you are a burden, you think you can but you can’t, you’re ugly, there is no point, you have to be the best!, you will never be the best, you don’t have it in you, you always get distracted, could you be any stupider?

Notice the energy of fear and pointlessness, as well as the deep undermining of your abilities. Notice how the whole POINT of these words are to stop you from moving forward.

Your job in this case, is to start saying one simple phrase in response to the voice of your Negative Ego: THAT’S ENOUGH.

That’s enough. Thank you for your service – thank you for keeping me safe when I was young and scared – but this has gone on long enough. And you can say this with self-compassion, but also say it with determination and strength.

Man straddling a white line drawn on the ground

Draw a line and guard it … with compassion, determination, and strength

What I’m doing here, is asking you to stand up for yourself — to draw a very clear boundary around how you let your inner critic dictate your life.

Some other phrases that might help are:

No I will not let you undermine my life out of fear.
No I will not let you continually point out all my faults.
No I will not let you continue to set unachievable and demotivating goals
No I will not let you focus on unconstructive comparisons with others
No I will not let you focus exclusively on what might go wrong

EXERCISE 3: Replace your Negative Ego’s narrative

Take the sentences you identified in Exercise 1 and brainstorm some different sentences that you can use to respond to or replace your old narrative.

Use this as an opportunity to stand up for yourself. Practice your ability to create a positive environment in your own mind, making space for yourself to thrive and grow.

For example, if your Negative Ego is telling you ‘I have to be perfect’ then you might brainstorm some alternative Truths/responses:

I don’t need to be perfect
I can love myself, flaws and all
Progress over perfection
etc.

Keep trying out new sentences around the topic until you find one that ‘lands,’ i.e. you feel a smile or a sense of opening up when you hear it.

Check in with yourself and notice if a sentence creates stress for you, and if it does, keep brainstorming until you find one that helps you feel good and relax somewhat.

If you are coaching with me, please bring these statements to our next session so we can review them together, or else you might post the responses you come up with in the comments below along your comments on how the new sentences makes you feel.

One interesting thing you will notice once you start setting boundaries around your negative ego and investing your energy in a new narrative, is that the Negative Ego will actually breathe a sigh of relief that he/she is no longer in charge.

The fact is — the Negative Ego was never meant to be in charge in the first place. Our fear/survival response is a ‘crisis mode’ support structure with very few skills for actually creating and sustaining what we want in life.

It’s only fair therefore, that we stop relying on our hyper-alert parts to run our lives, and start using other parts of ourselves to create good things instead.

Expecting your Negative Ego to do a good job of running your life, is like expecting James Bond to do a good job of running your local council. ‘ Soooo on the topic of a working rail system Mr. Bond … oh shoot, he’s commando rolled out the window again’ :-/.

STEP 3: Come back to your ‘Positive’ Ego

So once we’ve put the Negative Ego in its place, what other parts of our inner world can we depend on to help us run our lives? Well … the job of the ‘Positive’ Ego is to help you navigate physical reality — to notice facts, and pass them on to you without judgement, criticality, or extrapolation.

That’s it: Just. The. Facts.

If you meditate or practice mindfulness, what I’m talking about here is ‘being present to what is.’

You don’t need to meditate in order to connect with your Positive Ego, however. All you need is 1–2 minutes to do the exercise below …

EXERCISE 4: Connect with your Positive Ego

Sit down comfortably in your usual workspace and look around. As you look, notice what is there, and allow yourself to engage with an internal monologue around your environment, free of any judgements or additional commentary.

Example:

Over there is my coffee mug. Next to it is my pen. Here is my computer. My hands are on the keyboard. I’ve written 3 paragraphs. My hands are dry. It’s winter. There is rain pattering against the window. I’m wearing a jumper. It’s 12:15pm. My stomach is rumbling. I’m hungry …

In contrast, your Negative Ego might offer the following stream of consciousness:

There’s my mug, I drink too much coffee. And I’ve only written 3 paragraphs today — not nearly enough! I’m so behind on my work, it’s embarrassing. And look at my hands … I really should buy a better moisturiser. Gosh it’s blustery outside. I’m sick of winter, it’s such a drag, all this rain! I wish it was summer — things are always better in the summer. Oh my God I’m hungry. But I can’t have lunch yet, I’ve barely written anything today …

Whenever you notice yourself getting into a ‘state,’ come back to this exercise and your neutral Positive Ego. The huge power of this exercise lies in the fact that in any given moment, you always have the option of disconnecting from your Negative Ego — of coming back to ‘what is’ instead of any old stories or beliefs that are keeping you stuck.

Trouble-shooting note: if you are really struggling to come into your Positive Ego, then there will be some reason/pay-off for you to stay in your Negative Ego. There will be an internal crisis that exists, which usually stems from the avoidance of some fear, doubt, or realisation about yourself.

What I can offer you in this situation, is to simply keep coming back to it. Keep coming back to yourself, and offering yourself compassion. Let yourself be open to new possibilities, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, and allow yourself to explore the quiet question: what is it I’m avoiding that is keeping me stuck in my Negative Ego?

I know this can be hard — one of the hardest things we can do is to face our Negative Ego and take the responsibility for our living a full life out from under it’s influence. So if you need the support of a coach in any of these exercises, please do get in touch. That’s what I’m here for ❤.

STEP 4: Start making conscious choices based on what you want to create in your life

Making conscious choices is such a big topic, it deserves an article (or entire blog) to itself.

But there are a few simple steps to getting started.

By identifying and setting boundaries around the unconstructive voice of the Negative Ego using the exercises above, you will free yourself up to imagine what you want to create in life (rather than keeping your focus on all the things you can’t create or what you are afraid of).

You can start doing this getting out a piece of paper, and writing down the answers to these two questions below:

What do I want to be feeling right now? E.g. Support? Freedom? Love? Connection? Competence? Confidence? Joy?
What is one small experiment I can try that will allow me to create that feeling in my life today? E.g. If I want to feel supported, instead of focusing on my faults in times where I feel stuck, I’ll experiment with encouraging myself instead.

The most important thing to do when approaching the questions above, is to experiment with using other aspects of yourself rather than your Negative Ego (the part of you that is operating out of a sense of scarcity and fear).

This means taking a leap of faith as you let go of the limiting stories that the Negative Ego has been spinning about ‘can’t’ and ‘too hard’ and ‘not possible’ and start step into the experience of creating some small actions and good feelings in your life that didn’t exist before.

We all contain multitudes. What creative or imaginative parts of you haven’t been allowed to play because your inner critic has been calling the shots?

And that is where I will leave you. There is a lot of depth to be explored here, but I hope this article has provided you with a beautiful foundation on which to engage with, and set boundaries around, your frustrating, resistant, self-sabotaging parts.

If you would like more support moving through self-sabotage, it takes less than 5 minutes to book a no-obligation consultation below.

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